Most of us live as though we are in prison.
Guarding our beliefs that we should (or shouldn’t) have this or that.
An unconscious belief that says “I’ve done this (insert terrible thing here) - so I can’t have that’
For years I tortured myself with the belief that I shouldn’t be allowed to have love because of decisions I made to change my family.
I took on the onus of making those decisions that I felt were necessary but also knew that I would have to be punished for them…because I would be the one doing the punishing.
I would be the one pulling back when I felt too much happiness, peace and joy.
I allowed so many things in my life because I didn’t feel worthy of love.
I blamed myself and did the proper punishing for this, accepting less and bearing more
Only when I stopped punishing myself could I see that I was not to be blamed. These things don’t happen single handedly. I was just used to taking the blame. So I did what I always did, took it.
This past year I’ve done an incredible amount of reflection and made some impactful and painful decisions. But decisions that are necessary for my own life.
I started listening to myself. And, frankly, I sounded crazy.
It was always easiest for me to take all the blame, I learned this early on. It became my way of handling things. But, it wasn’t and isn’t always me. I actually have my own feelings and they really do matter. When I stopped to listen to what was going on inside and outside of my head, things started to make “sense” and I needed to change.
I no longer blindly accept the blame. I make good choices and I am worthy of joy and happiness. I’m a good person with a big heart and a strong line for bullshit.
That doesn’t work around here anymore.
Accountability is the only way.
I’ve tried to turn the other cheek, but it always comes back around.
You have to face the dragon. Look it square in the eyes and it’ll let out a little puff of smoke.. That’s what you’ve been scared of. You’re scared of what it will feel like to not be this way. And you’re scared of what you know will come. But, if you know this, why are you fighting for it? You’re pretending to be in control of it.
Things will change, boy will they ever. But, as much pain can come, you won’t have to sit in it every day like you are.
Face it and make amends.
With yourself.
With others
Let yourself receive the love that comes easy. You don’t have to be punished for love.
If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. I know it can feel that way, especially when you’re someone who likes to take all the responsibility.
You’ve just lived your life this way, but you don’t have to.
It’s ok to put down that old identity and become someone who doesn’t feel like they have to pay the piper for love.
It’s ok to say - this doesn’t work for me anymore and I want change.
Will it come easy - nope.
Nothing good does.
Will it open up the potential for something new and amazing to come - you bet.
If you’ve been doing this a long time, which you have - you’ll receive a lot of pushback - from your belief systems mostly. Have some grace as you move through this with yourself and leave space for others to have feelings, too. Everyone in your life has been part of the same story and now you’re re-writing it.
Forgiveness for yourself and for others doesn’t have to be deaf, blind and stupid. It can come with a lot of discernment and no animosity. Just a hope for great things to prosper from the new earth you’re tilling.
Grace looks different to everyone depending on their story.
You’ve got this
Interested in this deep work? Check out my retreat this March. The power of Forgiveness: CLICK HERE

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