Daily updates to sort my mind.
Just this week, the reality of what the world is experiencing arrived at my doorstep. This is the first time in my life, where public schools and all non-essential services, have either been mandated or voluntarily, closed. Scary shit.
It feels like a really long snow storm, that has us bound to the house for days. But, instead of excitement, there is a whole lot of fear.
I'm trying to stay present and focus on this day, this moment. Planning for my future but knowing it's in god's hands. The boys are now starting to get assignments from school with the expectation of them being completed. That offers me hope. I'm torn as to what to do with their schooling and if there are other options. I've reached out to the principal, I trust him. Riley is going into grade 12 next year and Jace into grade 9, these are really crucial times for them. They are very hands on in learning and have found the format of school a struggle even with regular attendance. Although, both being extremely social, this could work to their advantage!
Jace learned how to make Kraft dinner by reading the instructions on the box. A concept new to him! He loves to be helped but feels very proud when he completes things on his own. He is giving himself more space to explore his talents and skillsets into adulting. I learned the same way in the 80's. We were home alone a lot and this was the only way to learn. I still remember measuring the water out and adding it to the pot. They require too much water, I should write them.
For me, I'm still struggling to come to terms with all of my work being suspended. As a yoga teacher, our whole purpose is to connect. I miss the students, I miss the breath. It made it clear to me how very much I do love the work I'm doing.
Social distancing pushed me out of my comfort zone, something I've been toying with all year. In response to the studios closing, I began to offer online yoga practices and, surprisingly, found myself in the breath and feeling connected despite being alone. I wonder if this will challenge my perceptions again, the longer I'm alone. I lost my practice many years ago after taking some time off for a cold, I know how real it can be to come back after time away. I don't want anyone to lose their practice, I know it is important to them and if I can, I want to help them in any way I can.
It also gave me an incredible opportunity to take part in classes offered by other teachers that I didn't have time for before. There are so many beautiful teachers out there, so much knowledge and purpose to their offerings. I began to second guess and judge my own teachings.
This didn't start here though, I know that I've been experiencing imposter syndrome and the fraud complex since I openly began to talk about my pursuit of mindset coaching. I know I don't know everything, but, I thought I knew enough. Then the more I thought about it, and ironically, the more information I gathered, the more anxious I became about not knowing if this was the right thing for me.
This is where I have to put the tools I know to good use. Your passion is just a passion, until you develop a purpose. Once you know your purpose, you really can't ignore it. I know that this is strong in me. I know that it is what I'm built for and ready to do. It is my limited self that swears I'm not enough. I've battled with her for my whole life.
The silence and the quiet, bring that voice to life. The stillness and the thinking, make it louder.
In order to quiet that voice, I'm dedicating a piece of my day to writing to you. To reminding myself of the relevancy that is life. I didn't come here to live quietly, I came here to move mountains and change lives.
This happens organically when working with clients. It always flows so easily, the dialogue, perspective and tools. I don't know why I need to feel like all the world answers need to be solved by me. It's ok to not know. It's ok to not always have an answer.
That's it for today. I'll check back in tomorrow from behind the walls.