You know when you’ve done something that goes outside your comfort zone, or are thinking about it, and all you can think is how it’s going to go wrong.
Welcome, dear friend! We can create a group because I, too, do this all the time.
I’m constantly negotiating with my worth and fearing that I’ll make a mistake or a wrong move that will end up in public humiliation and heartbreak which feels like death inside my body.
I’ve done this in loving relationships, in my career and even with my own family (which seems insane but it happens more than you think)
What’s at the root of this nonsense?
A long time ago when we were little, we started to make programs that reinforced what we saw around ourselves at that time. It’s like a baby learning to walk by watching their parents, brothers and sisters. That same method of learning is also learning all of the systems that worked for your family.
So, if your family was well off with money but lacked emotional support, you probably don’t have a problem with money but you might have a hard time keeping a loving relationship like your inner child craves. Money probably doesn’t mean much to you, what you really crave is being seen, quality time, receiving attention, and mostly wanting love/approval.
If you grew up in poverty where everyone around you talked about how hard the world was, how evil people with money were and how unfair life is, you can bet your butt, without a lot of conscious focus, you will become and attract that.
This is where I’m at a crossroads. The things I’m doing I don’t have a healthy program for exactly. I saw my mom start her own business but I also saw her struggle with the relationships that came from owning a business.
It’s almost as if I’m waiting for the world to turn on me and take out my legs, my breath, my passion.
I know that the women I choose to spend my time with are of the highest integrity and I trust them. Why then, do I worry that if I expand my business I might invite in someone who wouldn’t have my back. Someone who would humiliate me, steal from me and ultimately kick the crap out of my business.
What the actual heck.
Doing the deep reflection inside of nidra has left me with the awareness of why I have anxiety about showing up, growing and becoming bigger and now I’m left to do the conscious work.
Some of that work is getting it out here on paper. It’s sharing it with you so that I attract the right people and the right things.
It’s staying conscious and screaming (sometimes literally) in the face of anxiety and constant worry because honestly, WHAT IS THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN?
Right there my brain goes - hold my beer.
But in reality, I know I have a steady place to fall that I’ve created for myself and I trust myself.
I’ve only recently acquired both of those things after being aware of programming that had me believing I couldn’t trust anyone and that included myself.
I am steady. I am strong and I have a mission to do that I only need a voice and a heart to complete. So, here I am. Hosting a yoga retreat so that you can land in your body, too.
A retreat that is scaring the ever-living shit out of me and making menacing thoughts like - no one’s going to come.
Well, people are coming. They are already coming and that’s hard to argue, so I’ll keep steering the course and so should you.
Even if they didn’t come, I’m not wrong, just something wasn’t right.
Failures are not death like your mind will have you believe.
What are you dreaming up that is scaring the shit out of you?