Triggers are incredibly personal. This is how I used a trigger to bring me back to myself
(even if it does seem very first world problem, it was real to me)
Today I practiced yoga and got incredibly triggered - angry, righteous, judgmental…
helpless
not seen
invisible
I was late getting there and got a tiny spot in the middle row, against the wall. Both yogis at the top and bottom of my mat were close to the center and my Extra Large B Mat (which is obnoxiously large) didn’t fit. I had to roll the end to make myself fit and this was the beginning of the swirl of sensations that led to a massive trigger.
The yogi in front of me was beautiful with incredibly long legs, a graceful practice……and she was right in my vision.
I looked beyond her to the mirror and there was me - 20 pounds more than what I used to look at. This version of me turns really red in the face and wears a weird little bun on the top of her head. And, she was aging. I felt the loss of hope to reclaim the body I feel most at home in.
I could hear the sweep of her long legs close to my head as we moved our bodies in sync. This made me so mad.
Why couldn’t she contract so I could fit?
Why didn’t she move up?
Why is she trying so friggen hard?
My God.
Then it hit me after our corner of the room went into side crow together and the teacher called us a gang.
She was right.
I wasn’t separate from her
She is me. She is who I want to be. She is who I am suffering for.
It’s me that wants to take up space.
I want to be the one who is seen.
I want to be heard (even if it is my legs sweeping past someone’s head :)
I am the yogi that practices because it’s the one place I feel graceful.
I am the yogi who’s been letting myself off the hook for quite a long time now.
I can do more than I am.
I have been using all my own spiritual speak to waste time and days.
I am the only one who can change this.
I am the one who can arrive 10 minutes early and get the spot I love.
I am the one who can shift how much I work and what motivates me.
I am the one who can take up space.
I am the one who realizes today - that yogi, the busy room, and all of the experiences I’ve been having are because I’m ready to grow. I’m ready to expand and take up a little more space. Give myself a little freedom and practice this liberation path that I teach.
It’s all available right here. Not tomorrow or when something else happens. Discomfort now means you’re ready. If you’re ready and want to go deeper into your healing I have another training date for The Portal coming up. This is something you can take to change your life, and if you’re like me, it’ll change you so much you end up preaching it like Sunday morning to everyone you meet.
Want adventure and immersion - we’re going to Tulum. A yoga retreat founded on consciousness and personal growth as well as some amazing physical practices.
Both have limited space
