MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SELF SABOTAGE
It’s inevitable the feeling I get before I do something that I don’t have control over.
Something like a training, where I don’t get to have control over the length of the days, the content, the people who come, the location, etc., gets me thinking - maybe I shouldn’t be doing this.
Maybe this is a sign (this one is hilarious because it's totally not true)
Maybe this is a waste of time or, my favorite - I’ll do it at a better time.
I convince myself I’m listening to my intuition and that it’s just not right, right now.
But, that’s not my intuition.....
My intuition wants the best for me, AND it wants me to grow.
What I’m listening to is the voice of my ego. The ego wants ME to be in control and wants the same things to happen as they did yesterday. (you can see this when you're stuck in a rut)
It wants to be able to predict the future and keep me safe, keep me predictable.
So.....what if I take this training and my whole life shifts (which it did)? What will I do then?
Will I still be able to hang onto the friendships that were constantly breaking my heart and making me feel like I have to walk on eggshells.
Would I change so much that I start to value the way I view myself higher than how others view me?
Would I start to show up in my life and actually believe that I had a real purpose and reason for being here?
Yep, all of those things happened.
All of the relationships either dissolved or evolved, and I DID start to see myself as valuable enough to take up the precious space I’d been given in my life.
I was a girl who never believed in herself - quit everything I could because I didn’t want to commit. If I committed, and I still wasn’t good enough, that would have killed me. So, if I only put in half efforts, didn’t finish or didn’t start, I could at least tell myself that if I “tried” I could do it.
But, deep down, I knew I was actually failing at the life I had been given.
I was failing me.
I get the same feeling every time I am about to do something that levels me up.
Whether it’s a training I’m teaching or studying, a program I’m running or taking, all of them that matter have given me the same exact feeling - I can’t do this.
I don’t have time.
I have other things I need to be doing.
I can do it another time.
ALL OF THEM.
It’s almost like we know that evolution is coming and we’re still hanging on out of fear. Only, it’s not almost, it's ALWAYS.
I never believed in myself or found myself worthy enough to do anything great. But, oh man, could I believe in others.
I thought supporting others was my Soul purpose. I thought my life was meant to be:
A doormat for others; and/or
A supporter of others
This was a giant lie.
This was the lie I told myself to keep myself separate from my incredible gifts as a teacher, supporter and leader.
I feared showing up for myself because I never learned how to be there for myself.
I never learned how to self soothe, so I spent the majority of my life trying to soothe others. I was like a feather in the wind, blown around by every shift in mood and energy of who/what was around me. I used this as a scapegoat and relied heavily on the belief that I was “just an empath” and the world was happening to me.
I never fully understood, based on the fact that I was born and took my first breath, that I mattered.
That how I show up for myself matters and it directly influences how I show up for others.
I know there’s a lot going on in the world right now. An immense amount of pain and suffering that’s forcing us to focus on what separates us, but I wanted to write this to remind you that what you’re feeling isn’t abnormal.
It’s normal, but not valid.
It doesn’t define you.
You define you.
The choices you make, and the choices you choose again, define you.
Who you are becoming defines you.
What you believe about yourself defines not only you, but also those around you.
Because at the end of the day, I know this:
The way we see ourselves, is the way we see the world.
I want to see beauty, magic and love in the world so I see beauty, love and magic right here. I AM the home to beauty, love and magic.
What do you want to see?
PS. The training I took that changed my life (not exaggerating…I was hot mess express) was Yoga Nidra. I teach it in The Portal - asleep to aware