How my world got turned upside down
At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I’m writing this. I’m writing about how “because I’m pretty”, I had an internal dialogue that kept people from feeling love around me.
When I was the friend that looked like a boy with a mullet, peed my pants and lacked any fashion is where I started to form a foundational belief that would keep me separate and feeling unloved.
From the outside looking in, being pretty seemed to grant you all kinds of things and I started making assumptions about it.
From my viewpoint, being pretty got you the boy I had a crush on.
Being pretty made everyone like you, even teenagers.
It made people believe you even when you weren’t telling the truth, and it made you stand out.
People wanted to be around you.
It made you seen.
And when I got to hang out with you, I felt like I had to earn it.
This is where a very harmful underlying program began to form.
I stored all of these fantasy beliefs about being pretty and when people started to call me pretty, I can see where this belief system showed up.
It showed up in my relationships. I always felt like no one ever loved me enough. That it was supposed to be a knock you off your feet, poetic obsession I had seen in the movies and read about in books. I believed that if the man wasn’t worshiping me, he wasn’t loving me. At the time it felt like I wasn’t getting enough love, but it was never enough.
After years of this, one day my partner said to me “you get what you give”. I was furious. Remember, my belief system was telling me that I didn’t have to do anything to earn love. I just had to exist and be pretty with a dash of charisma.
This was the thing that actually ended up knocking me off my feet. I wasn’t feeling love because I wasn’t giving love. Imagine trying to love a rock, you can do it for a while but do you feel loved in return? No.
Without the ability to move into witness state, I don’t think I would have ever seen or decoded something as insidious as this. I honestly don’t think I would have wanted to see it, even if I did.
It hurt me that I loved like that.
The whole time I was focused on me.
I was hurt I wasn’t getting enough love. I wasn’t … blah blah blah. This hurt me so much that I didn’t end up fighting back like usual. I knew it was true.
I wasn’t giving love and I wasn’t feeling loved.
After receiving this life-changing blow, I catch myself when I’m doing this and change into “what can I give”, or “how can I soften”.
When I soften, I can receive, even if I feel like I have nothing to give in return.
And that’s right where I was.
I didn’t believe I was worthy of love if it wasn’t for my looks. I couldn’t believe that someone would want to be with me because they enjoyed my company, my values, my morals, my friendship. I remember being the ugly friend. The lonely friend.
I felt like I was worth nothing without this belief. Can you imagine the pain of carrying that around all your life? I bet you can. I’m sure you also do it in one way or the other.
We all do.
It’s where our pain is that our healing begins.
I fear a society that is so focused on medications and instant healing without any pain (or minimal pain), that we will search for this much longer.
I am terrified of pain. I let it control my world when I’m not looking.
But I know I can’t beat it. I can’t outrun it and I pray for the strength to endure it.
Unraveling your whole foundation of worth is a spiral journey and “you get what you give” is a teaching I don’t want to miss sharing with you.
If you are feeling left out, include someone.
If you are feeling unloved, love someone.
When you think that something/someone didn’t meet your expectations, seek less from yourself.
Show up where you resist.