20/20 became the year I surrendered. It was the year I put to rest the idea of chasing connections. It became the year I surrendered to my worth, and not just teach it. I fully, wholeheartedly, despite the limiting beliefs inside my head, surrendered to my worth. I came back home to my worth.
My worth had never left me. It’s always been there. Guiding me with intuitive downloads that said - this isn’t right, that doesn’t feel good, I don’t like this. But, instead of my coping mechanism kicking in saying it must be me, it can’t be that, I SAT WITH IT. I let the feelings move through me, I watched every single one of them tell me why they were there, because I finally started listening instead of telling.
This is where it gets confusing to be a “boss babe”, I think a lot of us are out there pushing through the inadequacies, overlooking and compensating, instead of listening.
I started setting boundaries around toxic triggers in my relationships. I thought I had boundaries before but I had no clue why they were placed where they were and I usually only put them in the safe places. Places where I wouldn’t receive pushback on them.
This year was a growth year for me. Not only in business, but mostly in my personality. I watched myself move from reactive to responsive. I let go of the power that reacting gave me and settled into the knowing that if I trust myself to respond, this will benefit all involved.
I stopped saying yes. I turned down opportunities to hustle (teaching online). I trusted that my brand and I would still be there because I have this unique gift God has entrusted me with.
I surrendered my will to the Will of Spirit.
I let go.
And what happened, could only be seen as magic as my internal dialogue began to shift from “I’m not worthy” to “this is a gift”.
I see myself in difficult situations now and think, wow - how helpless I would have been before trying to control this outcome. I would have desperately tried to manipulate the outcome because I was the only one who knew better. This always felt like life or death to me. What I didn’t know, was that I was operating from the little girls perspective who always saw her mother crying because she couldn’t control her world. I needed to fix it.
I became the caretaker. The caretaker of the wounded, the bridge of peace. I tried to bridge the two worlds together into a safe place, I tried for 40 years to make this happen for myself and for others.
What I finally realized after devoting 2020 to Spirit and introspection was, I’m already safe.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t worthy. I had been avoiding the pain of rejection through coping mechanisms which kept me separate from my environment. My people. I was trying to stay SAFE.
In 20/20, I went deeper than I ever have and faced the shadow that was within me. I held compassion for the anger, I made amends. I spoke to my rage until it became a whisper. I embraced that I am both peaceful and violent by nature, and that to be both is to be whole. I saw these as forces of Spirit. None of which was better than the other, but more of one would create chaos. Either one. Not just rage. They were equal in power and harm.
Awareness is what brought me here. Surrendering to what came is what changed me. I’m continually evolving and diving in. I gain my information from Source. I looked down on myself in the past for not knowing the “study” that backed up my claim. But, I DID. It was direct from source.
This year I embraced that I am a Mystic. I go in to look, to find the answers. I stopped pretending to look out for society.
I fully loved myself this year. I finally understood myself and I have compassion for every turn on my path. I’ve acknowledged the pain I feel for other people, is a coping mechanism I developed to avoid the pain I feel for myself. This was hard. Putting yourself in others pain is hard, but being in your own is harder.
Surrendering brought me more clarity than I’ve ever had. It brought me more peace as I reclaimed the shameful parts of my past and put them to rest. I untied the fingers around my waist that I let have a say in who I am. I freed myself.
20/20 was the year I surrendered.