One of the things I am most brilliant at, is seeing the deeper meaning.
I'm SOOOO ready to dive deep at any moment, that I thought we all were. But, we're all not really there.
I've held back who I am for those who haven't been ready to go "there", and I've pretended to be interested in sitting on the surface. I've censored myself when I saw what the bigger picture was teaching, and I've swallowed what I know.
I understand that there's a balance, I've been told it a MILLION times.
There's a balance that needs to exist between the mundane and the magic, and that not everyone was born with gills for deep water diving like I was.
This has left me feeling misunderstood, and often like my own internal reality is in someway "not right".
I believe that everything is happening to teach us something, so I'm asking the Universe daily, "what do I have to learn here?"
How do I fully embody ME, and still be relatable. How do I honor the way that my gifts have arrived, and know when they are needed. I notice even in my sessions, I walk everyone to the door, then I continue to walk them through the door. I recently took time off to ask myself, "am I doing what's best?"
The signs of this summer, seem to be pointing me inward, to turn to the shadow. The shadow houses the deepest parts of our psyche that we have refused and repressed. It's the part of ourselves that we have exhausted running away from. It's the aspect of ourselves that causes us to judge, medicate, numb, and turn off. It is the part of ourselves that is BEGGING to be loved, to be seen, to be valued. It's the hardest parts of ourselves to love, but needs love, none the less.
If you grew up, and experienced being told that your perception of reality was wrong, does this infiltrate every aspect of your life? I often wondered why I was caught in a series of relationships where my perception of reality was denied to me, despite me knowing it was right. I was seeking healing through these relationships, and I was avoiding the discomfort of doing real work to heal my relationship with my reality.
As I look back, I ask - did I magnetize these relationships with people that would reinforce this disruption in my reality, leave me questioning everything about me, about the way I saw things? The painful answer seems to be yes. I knew it was yes. Yuck.
I failed to set and maintain healthy boundaries. I prioritized my relationship comfort over my internal comfort, and I needed to finally see that being in relationships that caused me to hide aspects of myself, or not acknowledge the full truth, was a comfortable place to be. WTF. Being told my reality wasn't right, that I wasn't right, was somehow comfortable. Double WTF.
I have clear boundaries in my work, and unclear boundaries in my relationships. You'll see this often, and I only started to realize this after listening to a Modern Good podcast on the topic of clear communication.
We're all working through wounding. Where it shows up, and the feelings it leaves you with, are the answers to the healing.
I noticed pretty early on in life that if I didn't see how to do something, or hear how others answered questions, mine would be VERY different. My brain interprets things in a very different way, reinforcing to me that I can't trust my take on reality. What I am coming to realize though, was that it wasn't I didn't understand, I just went WAY deeper.
I see this in children, when they still have the confidence to share. There are some kids who just see through a different lens, they go beyond the question or the answer, and often look like they missed it completely. But, I think that they nailed it. They landed a mark that others couldn't see.
This world is not black and white. As much as we try to make it that way so that we feel safe, so that we think we can understand it, it's just not that way. There is deeper meaning to EVERYTHING, and I think it's a gift to go beyond what is known or expected, so that the truth of what needs to come out, can come out.
As scary as that is for some people, and I recognize that it is because I've been there. I am lovingly embracing this gift of deep inner sight, and standing steadily in support of who I am. I think we all should. No matter who you are, or what gift you have, I believe you know your true nature. If your true nature is in contradiction to the life you have created, or the people you have surrounded yourself with, you may be in avoidance of a painful truth. You deserve to be wholly loved. Wholly loved, period. You shouldn't dampen your internal knowing so that others accept you. You work to accept you, the rest will follow.
Letting go of friendships, relationships, jobs, these aren't failures. These are evolutions. Just because we resonate one day, does not mean that we are growing together the next, and it does not make anyone a bad person.
Nature is so fluid. Right now, it's fall where I live. The leaves are falling away from the trees, the trees are turning their energy inward, not wishing back a single fallen leaf. The birds are preparing to leave their homes, taking flight to a warmer place. Everything about nature is about letting go. Letting go, and trusting. Trusting that you are doing the right thing, you are listening to your heart, and if you're human, your reality DOES matter.