It was the end of 2015, notably one of the worst years of my life for self sabotage. I felt victimized, and I felt angry.
Angry, because I was the one who was victimizing myself
I’d been responding to an unconscious program that I needed to endure a lot of pain for the pain that I had caused in leaving my marriage.
This unconscious program had me signing up to be emotionally abused, and physically putting my safety at risk with an untrusting partner who I KNEW had no integrity and was also super annoying, but that’s for another day.
To summarize: In 2015, I lost my job in oil & gas (Godsend), was in a relationship with a serial liar who gaslit me into oblivion about his loyalty (*cough, cough…nonexistent value for him), participated in 2 car accidents, and at the end of that year, I thought it was about time I set myself down and really looked at what I was doing.
I had let myself believe that all of these things were happening to me, when I should have looked and seen that they were happening FOR me. If I wouldn’t leave a relationship that was hurting me so badly, the Universe was going to make sure that I had no choice, and boy did it. (again, thank you!!)
I can’t even begin to tell you what I went through with that one, but it was, looking back, a very embarrassing display of what low self worth looks like and I continue to comfort and care for that aspect of myself still.
What Changed It:
My best girlfriend and I planned a last minute trip to Banff for New Years. We decided to each write a letter to 2015 (I think mine was titled F*ck you, 2015) and we burned them. In these letters we wrote about the pain that we had been through and that we were ready to move on from the parts of our personalities that allowed these things to happen to us.
We planned everything…..except what to do with the burning paper. Vitally important.
We ran to the toilet and threw our burning papers in. It seemed poetic almost.
We left a little mark inside the toilet (which only we would know was there). This was a last minute reservation on a busy night and you can only imagine the hairs we found on our pillowcases and bed sheets. In a world of energy, the mark was justice for the hotel my friend called “putting lipstick on a pig”. The outside was not indicative of the inside (again with the poetic justice to 2015). Anyways, I think you get the picture.
That night we didn’t realize what we were doing would be so impactful. I had no trust in the belief that I was always supported. I thought I had been abandoned.
But, what ended up happening was a slow unraveling of my beliefs.
First, I found yoga nidra. I signed up to study the practice early in the year and the beginning of my life started here. Dramatic, but necessary. If you know me personally, you know that this is not something I say to sell yoga nidra, it truly saved me, and I say that with all my heart.
I finally saw how all of the things that were hurting me, were hurting me because I was forcing them to be there. I wasn’t meant to be in oil & gas anymore than I’m meant to lecture on mathematics.
I also wasn’t meant to be with a man who wanted to split everything with me 50/50 or take more than what they gave. I desired a masculine man that received my love and support, providing safety and stability in return. This was the divine relationship I was looking for and I found it. I flourish in this relationship in all aspects, we flourish together in this model.
I knew I was meant to be an entrepreneur and I knew I was meant to teach from the heart.
The ritual that freed me in 2015 would be one that I took forward with me every year, and this year I’m inviting you to be a part of it with me in Asleep to Aware (details below).
Since meeting my partner in 2016 (shocking, I know ;), I’ve been around home every new years. I always think we are going to do something or go away, but the momma in me wants to be close as her growing boys venture out, just in case they need me….hoping they need me (if you have growing kids, you know this feeling!)
This year, I’m being intentional as I invite in the upcoming year. I’m being intentional about what I’m offering and why I’m offering it.
I’m creating a refuge.
A day retreat for the hope of transformation like I was given that freezing cold night on December 31, 2015.
I'm offering space to take part in this ritual, be nourished with yoga nidra, reiki, restorative yoga, essential oils, cacao and charcuterie.
I’ll use all of my magic to bring the Big Energy that this world needs right now for you to fully step into the Magic that YOU are this coming year.
I know I started to list above what happened for me, but if you’ve been following along, you already know that my business has grown dramatically each and every year. I don’t talk about my finances as a sale point so you’ll never see that here, but I want you to know that I’m Happy.
That happy is a possibility
That happy is your birthright
That happy is on the other side of the fear of love, the fear of receiving, the fear of being let down.
It’s right there waiting for you with all of the abundance that comes with it, when you are ready to step out of control and face the programming that you are running.
I want you to know that you are deserving of love, joy, happiness.
Lastly, I want you to remember that you truly are a magical gift and your breath, the fact that you’re breathing, is a reminder that you matter.
So much love to you all as you embark on the expansion of lessons that come through the holidays.