For a long time I felt ashamed about who I was and the choices that I made. I cowered from people that I knew and hid myself away. I suffered in silence with grief over the loss of my marriage. The marriage that I never imagined ending, that ended. I punished myself for a long time and cast a shadow of unworthiness over our family. Even as I write this the tears are streaming down my face from the pain and suffering that I have far too long welcomed.
I felt like a failure. I saw myself as a failure. I felt like a coward. Like I walked away, when everyone else would have stayed.
I wanted to move away, to escape it all. But, my children, they are what kept me here. They never wanted to leave, so I stayed. And now, I’m glad I did.
I didn’t need to run away from the place. I needed to run away from myself. I wanted a fresh start but didn’t feel I deserved one. And, for a long time, I didn’t believe I deserved love. I absolutely did not deserve love.
But after so much time, so many teachers in the form of friends and practices that I have integrated into my life, I can finally say I’m at peace. 10 years later.
I still feel grief, I think I always will. I have a human mind that says - was it the right choice. The mind always wants us to escape from where we are and live somewhere we’re not. So, even if the choice didn’t make sense and it still doesn’t match the picture of what I thought it should be, I know I’m exactly where I needed to be to become who I’ve become. I trust that my family is exactly what it should be for all of us to become who we are meant to be.
I do have a family. It’s not a broken family. It’s a beautiful family and I’m so incredibly proud of us. Have we suffered, yes, we have. Are we perfect, far from. And, I love us for that. I love that we say I love you every time we leave each other.
We are a family.