top of page

LOVE AND SUFFERING

Updated: Aug 13, 2021

I fall into such a trap.


Even though I know how to avoid it, and I know what I'm doing, I still do it.


And, I continue to do it.


I know how important practicing meditation and Yoga Nidra is for my well being, but I get distracted by the human things and it gets overlooked.


It happens a lot during the summer.


The boys have, historically, been out of school and staying up later. Our schedules are messed up, and my routine/ritual, falls by the wayside.

I usually practice Yoga Nidra every night, and meditate every morning before I get up. My meditation isn't elaborate, but it's successful. I lay in bed and clear my mind for 5-10 minutes (timer set, so I can release any fear), and I just watch what is happening inside me. As easy as this is, I haven't done it regularly since June.


The price I pay for this lack of care around my ritual, is my mental health. I don't show up in the way I normally would, I let small things get to me, and I ruminate. Oh man, can I ruminate!


I can ruminate so hard that my physician told me to stop ruminating. He eventually diagnosed me with anxiety, it got so bad. It was so bad, I thought I was having breathing problems. These turned out to be an anxiety attack.


I used to get these often. I would get them right in the middle of teaching a yoga class. All of a sudden, totally without warning, I would lose the hearing in one of my ears and it became so hard to concentrate on where we were in practice. I would lose focus and forget what I was doing. It felt like I was underwater. I'm not sure what causes these attacks, and I've managed them well for the last two years.


But, I had one the other day. Out of the blue. Boom. No more hearing. No warning, no obvious trigger.


I know I'm not caring for myself. I'm not practicing. I've got a HUGE resistance to my nightly practice. I don't want to be out cold while my precious giant teens are not under the roof. I want to be present, but most of all, it seems I want to worry.


There is an old story that is attached to this suffering. One that began when I was a teenager. My mom used to wait up for me every night I was out. I don't remember EVER coming home, and her not being up, curled into a ball under a blue blanket so worn it had holes in it. She sat sideways on the couch, watching tv, and waited.


Somewhere along the way, I equated this waiting and suffering with love, and now I'm waiting and suffering, too. I am foregoing all of my critical self care practices in order to suffer. Logic tells me that this does not help, that it is ok if I do go to sleep or practice Yoga Nidra, but I keep resisting. Isn't it crazy how an old story that we have unconsciously absorbed can disrupt, dictate and even injure the conscious practices we choose that we KNOW make us a better person.


I continue to look at this square in the face but haven't changed it yet. I'm writing this in hopes that seeing it out here, on paper, that I will see it is ok for me to take care of me.


It is ok for me to let go of things I cannot control. And, just like that, I am back in my brothers' childhood bedroom reciting the AA prayer.


God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.


Wish me luck!




2 comments

2 Comments


Whitney Redman
Whitney Redman
Jul 30, 2021

I relate to this so deeply. Summertime is such a distraction from regular life, even the practices that make life better. I drew an oracle card this morning saying to recite the serenity prayer.

Like
Melanie Dawn
Melanie Dawn
Jul 31, 2021
Replying to

That’s synchronicity! That prayer really is powerful

Like
bottom of page