LOVE AND SUFFERING

I fall into such a trap.

Even though I know how to avoid it, and I know what I'm doing, I still do it.

And, I continue to do it.

I know how important practicing meditation and Yoga Nidra is for my well being, but I get distracted by the human things and it gets overlooked.

It happens a lot during the summer.

The boys have, historically, been out of school and staying up later. Our schedules are messed up, and my routine/ritual, falls by the wayside.

I usually practice Yoga Nidra every night, and meditate every morning before I get up. My meditation isn't elaborate, but it's successful. I lay in bed and clear my mind for 5-10 minutes (timer set, so I can release any fear), and I just watch what is happening inside me. As easy as this is, I haven't done it regularly since June.

The price I pay for this lack of care around my ritual, is my mental health. I don't show up in the way I normally would, I let small things get to me, and I ruminate. Oh man, can I ruminate!

I can ruminate so hard that my physician told me to stop ruminating. He eventually diagnosed me with anxiety, it got so bad. It was so bad, I thought I was having breathing problems. These turned out to be an anxiety attack.

I used to get these often. I would get them right in the middle of teaching a yoga class. All of a sudden, totally without warning, I would lose the hearing in one of my ears and it became so hard to concentrate on where we were in practice. I would lose focus and forget what I was doing. It felt like I was underwater. I'm not sure what causes these attacks, and I've managed them well for the last two years.

But, I had one the other day. Out of the blue. Boom. No more hearing. No warning, no obvious trigger.

I know I'm not caring for myself. I'm not practicing. I've got a HUGE resistance to my nightly practice. I don't want to be out cold while my precious giant teens are not under the roof. I want to be present, but most of all, it seems I want to worry.

There is an old story that is attached to this suffering. One that began when I was a teenager. My mom used to wait up for me every night I was out. I don't remember EVER coming home, and her not being up, curled into a ball under a blue blanket so worn it had holes in it. She sat sideways on the couch, watching tv, and waited.

Somewhere along the way, I equated this waiting and suffering with love, and now I'm waiting and suffering, too. I am foregoing all of my critical self care practices in order to suffer. Logic tells me that this does not help, that it is ok if I do go to sleep or practice Yoga Nidra, but I keep resisting. Isn't it crazy how an old story that we have unconsciously absorbed can disrupt, dictate and even injure the conscious practices we choose that we KNOW make us a better person.

I continue to look at this square in the face but haven't changed it yet. I'm writing this in hopes that seeing it out here, on paper, that I will see it is ok for me to take care of me.

It is ok for me to let go of things I cannot control. And, just like that, I am back in my brothers' childhood bedroom reciting the AA prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wish me luck!