HOW I WAS MANIFESTING WHAT I DIDN’T WANT
I was the creatrix.
The Creatrix of Chaos.
I artfully crafted an external environment (what we call - reality) that matched one that I was most familiar with.
It may not have been the one that I wanted, but I was one hell of a magnetizer.
I chose people - intimate and platonic, that would reflect my inner chaos and feed the wound that thrived in reactivity.
Insert dynamite friendships and low level relationships here.
Trying to shift from reactive to responsive was beyond uncomfortable. I had no clue how much of my love language was tied up in feeling frustrated and afraid.
At first, it felt like I wasn’t loved. That if there wasn’t fireworks and chaos, there wasn’t any real depth.
Then it hit me…….I thought fight or flight meant connection.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Soooooooo, that’s why I chose the relationships I did???
That’s why I get close to those who feel unsafe???
STOP THIS BUS! I want off.
I looked at the wound in me that craved the comfort of chaos, and opened the door to healing the stories my little self made.
The stories the little girl told me that it wasn’t real if there wasn’t fighting.
That if there was calm, there wasn’t love.
And the biggest, loudest one -
I won’t ever be safe.
Relationships weren’t safe.
People would always let me down.
Being talked down to was love.
I lost friendships through this when I shored walls around my self worth.
I fought with myself about being dramatic, or not doing enough.
But, the longer I sat with myself, I knew.
I knew that I didn’t feel safe, and I knew that it was time to choose me.
The me who consciously wants to feel listened to, understood, and protected. The me who desired peace and consistency - all of the things that little girl craved.
I could give these to myself. I could sit in the discomfort - fight or flight does not equal connection, and I could choose ME.
I could heal that wounded child who only had a limited sense of the world.
I could reprogram love, safety, connection.
I finally saw myself.
This deep work is the byproduct of healing my beliefs. Something I only learned about by accident when I found yoga nidra. This technique is medicine for the inner child. It’s the deep, deep work of witnessing yourself where you find the answers.
It comes when you’re ready.