First off, I want to say out loud, that I know the point of yoga is not the postures. But, in my life, they've always held meaning behind each one. I think this could be true for others. It hasn't ever really been about the execution of the shape, it's been about the way the shape feels for me. How I land into it, whether it accepts me as I am - which is, always. And, whether I feel the need to strive to be something different.
I've had to humble myself back to my mat.
After deciding not teach yoga anymore, I settled into working at a computer using this time to build up my online passion, mentoring and coaching. I knew I wasn't living in alignment, asking my clients to move their body - educating them on the first gateway being their body. I did this week in and week out, not knowing that slowly over time, I was losing my practice. That I had already lost my practice.
The thing that made me whole, was now something I was taking for granted. It was something that I saw as - I'll get to it later. This is a sickness for me. I know I am sick when I am not prioritizing my health. When I am not prioritizing my health - I'm not doing yoga. It's that simple. It always has been.
So, here I sit. With my practice brand new again, my hips - tight and sore, my legs weak and shaking, I can't find my core. My breath, gone. But, slowly, stacking one practice on top of the next (currently 3 in), my body is miraculously transforming. It's taking on the shape of strength. I can sense the knowing coming back as I breathe life back into the parts of my body I have been suffocating.
It feels like home, but a lot tighter living quarters. Not as much room to breath, bend or fold, but still it's home.
I'm working on the goal that broke me. My front splits. These guys have been taken from me abruptly, by injury - twice. One time, each leg. It's been endless recovery and constant throbbing. What I didn't know was that each practice where I got longer, I became weaker. My sole goal was on landing into the splits, becoming long but not becoming strong. My shift in focus, long and strong, has brought back incredible mobility, I don't feel 98 anymore! It feels like life being moved back through my bones which had dried. It feels like Spirit intentionally landing into my lungs. I feel alive and grateful for this practice.
I've also been thinking about liability (haha) and now with my new beginner legs, weak and shaking, I wonder how no one ever fell flat on their faces when I would cue Skandasana (Spiderman) and to travel side to side not using your hands. Thanks for never falling guys, and thank you for always being there on my yoga journey.
Here's to another road *cheers*