This fear is REAL for me.
Whenever I’m doing something wrong, like heaven-forbid, turn onto an aisle in the wrong way, I have so much fear that I’m going to be scolded. SO MUCH FEAR, it’s actually insane.
The scolding hurts because it reinforces the belief that I can’t do anything right. I’ve had this since school. I was chronically missing school supplies or unaware that we had a field trip. I felt like I never knew what was going on or had the right things. I felt like I couldn’t get anything right, even as a small, small child. Especially as a child.
I noticed this on the weekend when we took our dog out to the wild to bound through the snow. Are we supposed to - nope. Did we - yep.
It became so obvious to me that my partner, who did not give AF, was having a beautiful experience, while I was OBSESSED with the idea that we’d get into trouble. I couldn’t be present or enjoy myself when people would come. As soon as I saw them, my joy was gone and fear arrived.
What IS THAT?! We weren’t doing anything injurious, we know our dog has AMAZING recall. She’s never, ever, ever let us down. Yet, I would start to get anxious anytime anyone would approach. And you know what, I was wrong about them EVERY TIME. Despite being an incredibly accurate intuit, my internal story that fears being seen as “wrong” would scream at me that I was about to get reamed out....by a stranger. And, I was wrong. I WAS SO WRONG. Every person that approached shared in the joy we were experiencing with our bounding pup.
No matter how intuitive I am, if my internal story has a desired outcome - to keep me safe - it yells much louder than my intuition.