This fear is REAL for me.
Whenever I’m doing something wrong, like heaven-forbid, turn onto an aisle in the wrong way, I have so much fear that I’m going to be scolded. SO MUCH FEAR, it’s actually insane.
The scolding hurts because it reinforces the belief that I can’t do anything right. I’ve had this since school. I was chronically missing school supplies or unaware that we had a field trip. I felt like I never knew what was going on or had the right things. I felt like I couldn’t get anything right, even as a small, small child. Especially as a child.
I noticed this on the weekend when we took our dog out to the wild to bound through the snow. Are we supposed to - nope. Did we - yep.
It became so obvious to me that my partner, who did not give AF, was having a beautiful experience, while I was OBSESSED with the idea that we’d get into trouble. I couldn’t be present or enjoy myself when people would come. As soon as I saw them, my joy was gone and fear arrived.
What IS THAT?! We weren’t doing anything injurious, we know our dog has AMAZING recall. She’s never, ever, ever let us down. Yet, I would start to get anxious anytime anyone would approach. And you know what, I was wrong about them EVERY TIME. Despite being an incredibly accurate intuit, my internal story that fears being seen as “wrong” would scream at me that I was about to get reamed out....by a stranger. And, I was wrong. I WAS SO WRONG. Every person that approached shared in the joy we were experiencing with our bounding pup.
No matter how intuitive I am, if my internal story has a desired outcome - to keep me safe - it yells much louder than my intuition.
This experience, and having awareness that this was happening, created a huge internal shift in me. I’ve been hiding from the fear of being scolded. I’m a total rule follower, which is probably why I DESPISE rules so much. Because I’ll follow them....even if I don’t agree with them. I don’t like this, it’s not serving me.
It only serves to keep me quiet, unseen and very, very safe. The things I want aren’t happening in the safe zone though. So, despite being incredibly uncomfortable, I’m going to break this pattern and live outside the cage.
This might not make sense to some of the fellow rule followers, but I challenge you to ask yourself, why you so blindly follow all the rules. What is the real reason you’re doing everything you’re told?
I don’t need to be “perfect” to feel free to take up space, and that’s what this belief system is doing for me. It’s restricting me and making me small. Fuck it. FUCKKKKKKK IT. I can see it now, so now, I can change it. Freedom.
What fear are you living, perceiving and reacting from? This is the foundation of what you’re standing on. Do we start building on top of there or dig a new foundation. You decide.